Moving In Before Marriage: Does It Work?
Picture this, ladies. The man of your dreams (who happens to look a great deal like Chris J The Genius) decides after a lot of time, dedication and effort put into your relationship that it’s time to take you out to a peculiarly upscale restaurant. You both take your seats, order luxurious meals and soak in the ambiance. Suddenly, your well-dressed gentleman tenses up, pulls something out of his pocket and holds it under the table, and swallows hard as if he’s about to make a life-defining decision. He clears his throat and begins.
“Sweetheart, I’ve been crazy for you since the first time I laid eyes on you. Literally, right then and there I knew you were the one. You’re so beautiful and smart, and we compliment each other so well! There is no one else on the face of this planet that I want to spend one second of my time with. I guess what I’m trying to say is, will you…move in with me?”
He then reveals what he was hiding under the table—a key to his place. Not exactly what you were expecting, right?
It’s more and more common these days, couples moving in or “cohabitating” instead of jumping the broom. On the face, it makes a lot of sense. A lot of couples get married after a short period of time or only limited experiences with one another. Why not move in first and see exactly what marriage with the guy/girl would be like? Now we get to see how clean the other person is, what they look like before they’re ready for you to see them, and so on. Sounds logical enough, right?
Wrong. Statistically speaking, at least, cohabitating (or “shacking” as we call it in the Bible Belt) is not such a good idea. Studies show that divorce rates are actually higher for couples who live together first. For one thing, it may prolong that proposal. I already wrote about most men refusing to do things that aren’t necessary. If you’re living together (and doing, er, other things together), why should the guy pop the question?
It should also be noted that living situations (good or bad) can really affect a relationship. Ever seen Lakeview Terrace? Samuel L. Jackson almost broke up what seemed to be a happy home, and he was just the next-door neighbor. Living together is hard enough because of the two personalities inside. If a relationship—even between two very compatible people—hasn’t had time to grow strong enough, moving in and the many variables which result could do damage to destiny.
Boredom is one of the major causes of stale relationships and/or infidelity. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Too much presence, on the other hand, can make the heart look yonder. It’s fairly likely, when cohabitating, that one of you gets bored with the other before the commitment of a marriage ever comes into play. Sure, you could choose to work it out, but if that grass-is-greener thing kicks in, one of you might play in someone else’s yard before too long.
Finally, consider this. What if you two break up? Isn’t it easier to meet up and give the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech you rehearsed fifty-leven times during the drive over, change your relationship status on Facebook and be done than it is to break a lease and have your mail forwarded to your new address?
To each his own, but the best decision might just be to make the marriage license application the first legal agreement you ever enter together.
Source: Very Smart Brothas
My former girlfriend moved in with me because of financial reasons, not too long after we started dating. It was rough at first, because I had never lived with anyone before, but eventually we got it worked out. We’ve now been married for over six years and are still acting like honeymooners! (Not the TV show.)
Personally, I think living with someone is a great idea if you’re already very serious, maybe even already engaged. There are things that you just can’t know about a person until you cohabitate, and those things might be important.
Did you ever think that the reason why the same people who don’t live together first are less likely to get a divorce is because of their religion?
If you don’t believe in moving in together, chances are, you don’t believe that divorce is an option, and are more likely to stick out an unhappy/unfulfilling/abusive/neglectful/miserable marriage.
This statistic says noting about the QUALITY of the relationship. It’s simply making an observation that the same people who refuse to live together first are the same that refuse to get a divorce.
My girlfriend and I were basically living with each other because well we always wanted to be with each-other. It only made sense for her to move in financially, her apartment was just sitting there not being used, we figured why not save that money for our future. We are now happily married with our 1st child on the way and still don’t spend much time apart.
Yo, I pretty well figured when I saw that I had 2 comments that they would argue for cohabitation. You guys made some very good points that caused me to realize that I came out very one-sided with this post, something I try not to do. Thanks for the very insightful comments, folks. Oh, and @ Kwaping: You’re married? I thought you were an old-school playa (something like Jerome from Martin)! Ms. Rose, you had a very interesting comment as well. I made a passing reference to the Bible Belt (pretty much the Dirty South) earlier, and how we tend to look down on “shacking.” Interestingly enough, our region features more cohabitation (at about 30%) than the other regions of the USA. I don’t know for certain, then, that being religious or having been brought up with a particularly religious background lends itself to refusing to cohabitate. If anything, it seems like the youth are pushing back against many of the things they have been told.
I’m a Christian, but I would certainly get a divorce before I’d be miserable forever. First and foremost, though, I would look deep (and I mean to the tune of 3+ years) before I leap.
Great points, folks. That’s why I love writing this blog!
One more thing: No female commenter has objected yet to the man of her dreams looking like Chris J The Genius. Get at me, ladies!
It depends why your doing it. I see a lot of couples do it because they want to keep the other in check or whatever reason. But it doesn’t work or it backfires, it gets retarded and then someone has to move out when ish pops off.
Personally if I can avoid moving in after marriage I’ll be good. I’m a person that likes my privacy. And every female that I’ve had over has gone through something or whatever of mine in the short span that they’ve been there. I can respect other peoples privacy but it doesn’t go the other way around.
If the intentions aren’t genuine, then it’s not going to work. Kinda like marriage itself.
You quoted a movie… WTF?
I really debated living with my boyfriend before we married…looked at a ton of resources, but found some of the best info on a non-profit’s website that had a ‘marriagewiki’ with all the marriage research in one spot. I’m sure you can search marriagewiki’ and find it yourself. I saw the reports about higher divorce rates for ‘cohabitation’ but also saw that I could reduce the chance of divorce by over half by doing some pre-marital education/preparation, so we did that. We decided to live together after we were engaged, but did so as if we were married. We never did the whole ‘trial’ thing. We didn’t want to get in the habit of living separately in the same house.