Unless you’ve been locked in a closet in an underground bunker for the last two months, then you probably know every damn detail of William and Kate’s wedding except for maybe the color of the bride’s underwear. Does she seem like a thong or a brief girl to you? Bra or no bra? Don’t be a prude, I’m American and monarchy means nothing here unless you are talking rap or rock royalty. But I digress. Obvs William and Kate needed some sort of entertainment at their post-wedding shindig at Buckingham Palace. Being that Wills is a royal and has access to coffers of cash the average person can’t even begin to understand, this kid can pretty much have whatever he likes—meaning Kate, by extension can, too. So why the hell did they want rising British pop star Ellie Goulding to perform at their reception?

You get one chance people—your first wedding only happens once so you should go all out. With all of the talent coming out Brittan, this young couple could have chosen anyone to perform: Jessie J, Adele, George Michael, Boy George. (Those last two would be my top choices. Don’t judge. I like white men who sing like black women. Besides, felons can sing, too.) Hell, they could have chosen the Spice Girls. Picture Scary Spice in a crop top booty popping on Prince Charles during a kick ass rendition of “Wannabe.” But Ellie Goulding? She performed what I’m sure was a rousing round of Elton John’s “Your Song,” but come on. This chick isn’t all that. She has Bjork-like moments—why the hell didn’t they order up Bjork?—but the rest is just a bit unmoving and shrill. Or maybe ho-hum. Or humdrum. Maybe I’m just being a bitch. Or maybe I’m too old to enjoy this boppy shit. Since I just said “boppy”—being too old wins.

Check out Ellie below and let me know what you think. If you think she’s the next Britney, I’ll shut my mouth and dress like a chav for a week.

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