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Arnold Schwarzenegger: Cheats On Maria & Lies To America

Submitted by on May 20, 2011 – 8:32 am9 Comments
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You know all those things you’ve heard about Arnold Schwarzenegger this week? All the stuff about how he’s a cheating, no-good, low-life of a man who never deserved to be married to someone who’s a part of American royalty? All the stuff about how he just managed to ruin his entire legacy as a bodybuilder, actor, and politician in one foul swoop? All the stuff about how the Terminator won’t be able to “come back” from his latest transgression? All the stuff about…well, you get the point. All that stuff? It’s all true.

Right now, Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like the dumbest guy on the planet. Women despise him. Men can’t believe what he did (Earth to Arnold: We sure hope your side chick had a great personality because, well, you know…). Even politicians—poli-freakin’-ticians, who are some of the most immoral folks on the planet these days (sorry, guys, we just call it like we see it!)—are outraged. And, you know what? He deserves all of the criticism that he’s getting.

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last few days, let us let you in on the secret: This week, it was revealed that Arnold Schwarzenegger cheated on his wife with his maid Mildred Baena more than a decade ago. He fathered a son with Mildred outside of his marriage, never told his wife Maria Shriver, financially supported his son up through his early teenage years, and just now decided to break the news to Shriver after leaving the governor’s office in California. Not surprisingly, his wife of 25 years left him almost immediately and the couple appears headed for a divorce. Arnold’s children are devastated, Baena’s world is suddenly turned upside down and Schwarzenegger is being exposed for the dog that he is.

And we have absolutely no problem with that. Now, we hear those of you out there complaining about the treatment the Terminator is getting. “What do you expect?” you ask. “He’s a movie star, not a role model.” On the one hand, you’re 100 percent right. Schwarzenegger has basically been one big, walking punchline during the duration of his governorship of California—mores or less fodder from the Jay Lenos and David Lettermans of the world to fill up time in their monologues. We never took him super seriously as a politician, just like we never took him super seriously as an actor. He’s basically been a big guy with a big personality who’s used it to his advantage throughout his career and gotten people to side with him as a result of it.

But we also have to remind you that, once upon a time, Schwarzenegger was the very definition of a man’s man in this country. A six-time Mr. Olympia champion, Schwarzenegger is part of the reason so many guys are obsessed with the way they look today. A former A-list action star in Hollywood, Schwarzenegger was able to transform himself from a muscle-bound, steroid-shooting freak into a lovable star on the silver screen. As governor in the state of California, Schwarzenegger served his country—a country he wasn’t even born in!—way more most Americans never will. Over the course of the last three decades, Schwarzenegger has managed to turn himself into an American pop culture figure and, in the eyes of many, an American icon. One could say, he is the American dream. How are you going to dog Maria when it’s rather well know that she is the reason you were even elected?

The scandal surrounding him doesn’t just look bad for him—it looks bad for us, too. This isn’t another movie star cheating on his girlfriend at the club and getting caught by the tabloids. This isn’t a married athlete getting busted by the paps frolicking around town with a pop star. This isn’t a rapper getting called out by a groupie on YouTube and being accused of cheating on his spouse. This is Arnold effing Schwarzenegger—a guy who has represented an entire state for the better part of the last decade—basically admitting the last decade or so of his life has been a sham. In spite of that sham, he still managed to accomplish great things, win a seat in his state’s government, and maintain a marriage to a descendent of the infamous Kennedy clan. Maybe Arnold is a better actor than we give him credit for.

And now, it’s all over. The rouse is up. The cat’s out of the bag. The secret isn’t asuch a secret anymore. Arnold Schwarzenegger is not the man he’s pretended to be for all these years now. From the “cheating, no-good, low-life” bit on down, Schwarzenegger is every bit the scoundrel he’s been rumored to be.

And he deserves it all. His actions, his transgressions, and his boneheaded approach to a personal problem makes us look like bigger idiots than him right now. We turned this guy into an American icon. And now we’re going to have to live with the fact that he took that and threw it back in all of our faces. Good grief. What a girlie man. Maybe we as Americans are the ones having the worst week ever. Thanks a lot, Arnold.

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