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Can I Join The Illuminati?

Submitted by on August 25, 2011 – 1:52 pm218 Comments
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Is it really that hard to get into the Illuminati and is it even that cool anymore? It seems like everyday someone new is accused of being a member of the Illuminati. Jay-Z, Kanye West, McDonald’s, Walmart, Lady Gaga, Batman, Mickey Mouse, Barney, the bum on the 6 Train that always talks about the government, Tom Hanks (?), Jesus, Lindsay Lohan (like really? Lindsay ) and even Obama. Do people even know what the Illuminati is? The Illuminati (plural of Latin illuminatus, “enlightened”) is a name given to several groups, both historical and modern, and both real and fictitious. Historically, the name refers specifically to the Bavarian Illuminati, an Enlightenment-era secret society founded on May 1, 1776.

In modern times it is also used to refer to a purported conspiratorial organization which acts as a shadowy “power behind the throne,” allegedly controlling world affairs through present day governments and corporations, usually as a modern incarnation or continuation of the Bavarian Illuminati. So, with that said, you want me to believe that Jay-Z is a part of a organization that controls the world government? Kanye is controlling the stock market. Yes, and I’m f**king Santa Claus.

But what if I am really blind to the truth!! Myron Fagan devoted his latter years to finding evidence that a variety of historical events from Waterloo, The French Revolution, JFK’s assassination and the communist plot to hasten the New World Order by infiltrating the Hollywood film industry, were all orchestrated by the Illuminati. In comes Tom Hanks, RUN! Noo illuminati. Dr. John Coleman, author of Targets of the Illuminati and the Committee of 300 asserts that the Illuminati’s intentions include:

  • The establishment of a One World Government with a unified church and monetary system
  • Further advancement of ideas through mind control
  • Encouragement of the use of drugs and pornography
  • Suppression of all scientific advancement unless they considered it acceptable to their aims
  • Causing the death of 3 billion people by 2050, through wars and starvation
  • Creation of mass unemployment
  • Fracturing of the nuclear family by encouraging teenagers to rebel
  • Use and promotion of rock music to facilitate this rebellion “which include rock gangsters such as the Rolling Stones

Some of these points I can fully agree with, like the whole pornography thing and it looks like they can check off the ” Mass Unemployment” part. I have a lot of skills that the Illuminati needs. Like what you say? You know, photography and video, and I’m all about mind control—I could probably help out with that part? Look, I already came up with my new Illuminati salutation tag.

Illuminati BITCH!

Wait, I think I can see the whole Batman thing.

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