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Taylor Lautner, The Rock & Other Hollywood Bible Stories

Submitted by on September 11, 2011 – 11:07 amNo Comment

Are you on Team Jacob or Team Esau?

News broke this week that everyone’s favorite werewolf is in talks to play the young (future King) David in a movie adaptation of the David & Goliath Bible story, while Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson could possibly play the gigantic philistine warrior. Is it just me, or do they look more like a father/son crime fighting team than ethnic enemies? Maybe that will be the big twist at the end, and instead of killing each other, D&G will join forces!

Actually, that’s no worse than what the studio is really pitching: Instead of David meeting Goliath for the first time when he steps up to battle him,  David will be thrust into the a race for his life “when the fierce warrior Goliath is sent to track down a foretold king of the Israelites.” (This is not in the Bible. But why show armies strategizing and handling philosophical issues when you can have a race against time? See also World War Z.)

But studios might be on to something by turning Biblical epics into blockbusters. What other celebrity Bible stories might put butts in the seats? Here are my ideas:

1. Martin Sheen, Charlie Sheen, and Emilio Estevez as Isaac, Esau, and Jacob in Winning (My Birthright)!

Isaac (Martin Sheen) can only give his blessing to one of his (real-life) sons. Early in life, Esau (Charlie Sheen) is always the favorite, despite his wild ways. But through a trick, Jacob (Emilio Estevez) swoops in an steals the blessing! Esau goes insane, renouncing their faith and becoming a warlock who drinks tiger blood. He runs off and joins a clan of bikini-clad pagans at the edge of civilization.

2. Mark Wahlberg as Moses in Let My People Go, Bitch

This will probably have to be in Boston. Whalberg used to be a decorated police officer, but after shooting a guilty suspect who was going to walk, he is thrown off the force and becomes a petty criminal. His crime lord boss gives him one final job to do before letting him retire: delivering a shipment of women forced to prostitute themselves (sex slaves) to the city’s most vile underworld hangout, a nightclub called The Pyramid. But there’s only so much evil a man can take, and soon Wahlberg is in a race against time to save innocent people AND the woman he loves!

3. Tyler Perry as Jesus in Madea’s Greatest Story Ever Told

Mary Magdalene (Rihanna) is a girl from the wrong side of the tracks who just can’t get a break. Every guy she meets treats her like a you-know-what, but what can she do? Suddenly, a sassy stranger preaching the word of the Lord shows up in Galilee with some great idea-yers, and saves Mary with her no-BS advice and soulful cooking. Mary ditches her abusive guys and settles down with a fine, lighter-skinned man who doesn’t have a lot of money, but has a lot of love to give. They sing.

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