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Missouri Issues Zombie Alert

Submitted by on November 5, 2011 – 1:34 pmOne Comment
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Missouri has been secretly housing the coolest bureaucrats in the country. For Halloween, the state’s Department of Conservation issued a warning for the state’s newest “invasive species”: ZOMBIES.

The MDC devoted an entire page of their web site to the supposed epidemic, convincingly advising Missourians on how best to combat the undead pests in the outdoors.

While a simple Halloween joke alone would have given a welcome human touch to a government agency, this gag was so well done that it actually helped teach real outdoor safety and conservation methods. See if you can spot the nuggets of truth in the Zombie protection “advice” pulled from the department’s Web site:

  • Always let someone know where you are hunting (or fishing, hiking, walking, camping) and when you expect to return. Leave a map or GPS coordinates with your family and in your vehicle.
  • Always practice proper tree-stand safety and wear a safety harness. Falling from a tree stand can injure you or make you dead. Falling from a tree stand into the gaping maw of a zombie can make you undead.
  • Always wear proper personal protective equipment (PPE) [while using chainsaws, axes, and machetes] during close encounters with the undead to prevent direct contact with blood and brains since these are known to transmit the associated virus.
  • Trout anglers, now is a good time to replace your porous-soled waders and boots with something non-porous and zombie-resistant. This has the added benefit of reducing the spread of rock snot (didymo).

Way to go, Missouri Department of Conservation; you’re keeping us safe during the Zombie Apocalypse, and year-round.

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