News Quiz! Conservatives this past week seemed to be especially lacking in sympathy, and made some pretty bold statements about their fellow man. Guess which of the following news items are true. Scroll to the bottom for answers and the rest of the story.

a. Herman Cain said he was relieved to learn that the doctor treating him for cancer was not a Muslim.

b. A Christian conservative spokesperson said anyone who eats turkey is going to hell.

c. Newt Gringrich said he wants 14-year-olds to be school janitors.

d. Megyn Kelly of Fox News called pepper spray a food item.

e. Ron Paul called pet hamsters “ungrateful freeloaders.”

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a. True. Cain said he felt “relieved” when he learned that his surgeon, Dr. Abdallah, was a Christian, despite his “foreign” sounding name. Mr. Cain, how about you thank God, Jesus, Allah, or whoever for sending you anyone who could treat your extremely advanced and dangerous form of cancer. And while you’re at it, thank the doctor who is saving your life, regardless of their religious beliefs.

b. False. In reality, Focus on the Family’s Bryan Fischer warned that Butterball turkeys had been “sacrificed to Allah.” He’s referring to the fact that Butterball slaughters the turkeys in a way that makes them acceptable to Muslims to eat. Is this a subtle plot to impose Sharia law? I don’t think so.

c. True. Gingrich called child labor laws “stupid.” And while his talk about responsibility might seem to make sense, remember that there are plenty of teenagers who currently are helping support their families- and it leaves little time for their schoolwork.

d. True. Appearing on Bill O’Reilly‘s program to discuss the infamous UC Davis pepper spray incident, Kelly said the weapon was “a food product, essentially.” Poor Kelly actually went on to make a much more moderate argument than the unfeeling O’Reilly, but the internet latched on to that comment and has given her (hilarious) hell for it.

e. False. I completely made this up.

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